Why Are There No Fat Zombies?

Zombies have serious nourishment problems. All the human flesh they gulp seems to do them no good. Maybe, when first bitten, there's meat on their bones. However, in a few hours, days or weeks, they tend to look like the guy on the right. Ever see a zombie, especially one who has just eaten someone, take a satisfied nap? I think not.

They have terrible digestive problems as well. Ever see a zombie sitting on the toilet reading a newspaper? Once again, I think not! Eventually they must fill up completely, leaving no more room for living flesh. What do they do then? I can't help but feel sorry for them.

By now you must be wondering, why is Lonnie writing about the plight of zombies?

Well, I took a steam bath today. But beforehand, for the first time since the allo, I looked rather thoroughly at myself in the mirror. When I went into the hospital I weighed 45 more pounds than when I came out. That, my friends, is serious weight loss. In fact, if you really want to lose those extra pounds but hate to diet and exercise, have an allogeneic transplant! I guarantee, if you survive, it will work.

My bones, especially those in my back, stick out like those of my zombie friend. I can't even sit in the most comfortable office chair ever, my Herman Miller Aeron, without developing serious pain. A recent MRI, where I had to lie on that hard, cold, flat plank, was, well, exquisitely painful. Also, I have no shoulders. And size 34 jeans fall off by themselves.

My ability to eat has improved considerably. When I first left the hospital most foods were repulsive. Even Jello tasted vile. I subsisted mainly on TPN, which is a colossal pain. Today, food once more tastes like food and I can eat a reasonable amount of it on most days. Like my poor zombie, though, it doesn't seem to be doing me a lot of good.

I'm not the most patient person on the planet, but I can be impatient longer than just about anyone else. Sadly, that's really not the same thing. I am getting stronger as I struggle to climb stairs, leave the wheelchair at home, and do as much for myself as I possibly can, but my backbone still sticks out like a dorsal fin.

I'd post a naked picture of me but someone would complain and I'd get shut down, which is a shame because my picture would help people understand rib anatomy. Want to see a femur?

Ok, I'm done whining. I know that, in a few weeks, if I don't overdo it, I'll have enough flesh to sit in a chair or lie on my back. By then I'll be complaining about something else.